people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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