doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
