Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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