Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
