Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
