took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
