Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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