she looked like the before picture.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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