So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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