Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
