11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
