First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
