So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
