Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
