I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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