from now on my penis is your penis
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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