the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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