I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
