Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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