The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
