it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
