she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
