We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
