I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
