On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
