At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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