i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I can tuck mytits in my pants
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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