so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
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