HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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