my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
