We're facebook friends in real life
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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