I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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