I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
