dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
