my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I have feelings that need drinking.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
