Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
