you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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