Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
