i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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