i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
