i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
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