there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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