I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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