Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
