Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
