Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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