I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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