i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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