Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
