Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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