while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
