you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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