dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
