I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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