Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
