I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
no you cant smoke seaweed
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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