Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
