I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
